Not Really About Mechanical Pencils

More like, fear of book potential?

Last week I learned my boyfriend has the same three mechanical pencils he's had since the 7th grade. He just replaces the lead.

My first thought was, "what do his erasers look like?" As someone who has to toss every pencil once the eraser disappears, I was stunned by this. Does he use one of those annoying hand-held Pink Pearl erasers? Or the neon cap erasers that break in half if you press hard enough? Or is he confident enough to not erase? Why not just use pen? I assume between the 7th grade and now, those pencils have taken many tests. I could assuredly use up an entire eraser in one test from the potential of writing down the wrong answer. Knowing him, he likely never erased once. No fear, just vibes.

The art of second-guessing has been taking over my life for as long as I can remember; likely pre-7th grade. It has bled into the corners any other person would reserve for things like comfort and freedom. Unfortunately, life reserves me few pleasures free of anxiety and guilt.

Which is why I need to admit something I've been harboring for years, and no, it’s not a collection of pencils.

I am overwhelmed by books. I hate how many there are. Not because I hate the books themselves, but because I am overwhelmed by a book's potential - even more so, the sheer amount of potential books have when grouped together (even digitally). I think I feel this way for the same reason I go through so many erasers - I'm afraid of making the wrong decision. Some people can walk into a library or a bookstore and feel nothing other than excitement or sense of calm. Instead, I experience this:

It's me. I'm there. In a bookstore. Maybe it's our old friends Barnes & Noble or maybe it's Jacksonville’s own Chamblin’s Uptown. You pick. Either way, I'm staring at the shelves and immediately faced with a series of erratic introspective questions: "what do I like?" "What's on this shelf?" "Do I want to finally branch out from non-fiction?" "maybe crime & mystery? I did enjoy In Cold Blood." "Maybe historical fiction - but where would I even start?" "Ooo art history. No no, you don't need more of those." "What's everyone else reading?" "What's that one Roxane Gay book everyone talks about?"

Then I walk over to the Malcolm Gladwells and stand there for two minutes convincing myself I don't need another. At this point I'm usually on my phone like I am when I procrastinate. (Notice how I'm now treating the process of finding a book like a homework assignment or something else obligatory). I find a place to sit and open my list:

I'm embarrassed by this list to be quite honest. It's all over the place. You're probably thinking, "I'll recommend some actually good books and that will fix her." I'm sorry, but it won't. It will only add to my problem because the issue isn't that I read not-so-good books. The issue is that when faced with a group of books, I cannot choose. What If I choose the wrong book? I'm not the type who believes time spent reading is never time wasted. I can't stand the idea of finishing or reading any amount of a book I don't like. There is no gold medal for reading an entire book just to say I finished it. No bragging rights or self congratulations.

There is, however, lost time. The sick idea that by reading this book I’m ignoring my responsibilities. If I've spent weeks reading a book I ended up disliking, I've therefore wasted time and ultimately made the wrong decision. It's cyclical and clearly attached to a deeper struggle within myself that needs therapy instead of a trip to the bookstore.

I'm unraveling this mystery in real time so there is no eureka attached to this issue. Sorry! (Remember when I said this was a shared experience?)

However, if you've been holding onto a few titles with bated breath hoping I'd change my mind and accept your recommendations, leave me a comment. I promise I will add them to my dreaded list. I would even appreciate if you told me what to delete from my list; it will save me the trouble of finding out on my own.

Many thanks for reading this far,

Elizabeth

Here's a short collection of books worth mentioning. If you leave a comment with a book title below, it could be like a little extension of this list!

• My friend Ava Webb wrote a beautifully solemn memoir, My Shit Is Not Together.

• I’m currently reading Big Friendship: How We Keep Each Other Close, courtesy of my thoughtful writer friend Kalee Ball.

• I recently bought On Writing Well by William Zinsser on Apple Books because a writer I admire, Haley Nahman, suggested it. I'm 30 pages in and I'm already editing my work more heavily.

• Year of Yes, a memoir by Shonda Rhimes. This book altered my thinking and helped me embrace my social side. This is a necessary read for those introverts with anxiety.

• If you haven't read Bernardine Evaristo's book Girl, Woman, Other, you have not lived or felt real emotion.

• I read Mary Shelley's Frankenstein last year and can fervently say if you're grieving in any way, you'll become lost in this book. Carry a pen to underline like I did.

• A shameless plug for my favorite childhood book, A Corner of the Universe by Ann M. Martin. I've read it twice since middle school and I plan on keeping it forever.

I know many bookstores are doing pickup, shipping, & even local delivery during COVID. Here are some to check out and support in DC and Jacksonville - feel free to comment with your city!

• DC: Mahogany Books / My Dead Aunt’s Books / Politics and Prose / Second Story Books / Solid State Books / Capitol Hill Books / Lost City Books / Kramers

• Jacksonville: Chamblin’s Bookmine & Uptown / San Marco Books